An emotional void is the empty space that lacks meaningful emotion. An emotional void can be described various ways – numbness, a sense of nothingness, lack of excitement, lack of purpose, hopelessness, isolation, and feelings of being disconnected, lost or confused.

My therapist used the term emotional void in one of my previous sessions back in march, and it was possibly the best way of summing up where I was in that moment of my life. I was numb, hopeless and had a complete lack of purpose. I didn't see the point to my life I felt like I was purely existing yet not living. She stopped me for a second and asked me to listen outside, birds were singing. "That's a reason" she said. I carried that away with me from that session and its something out of all the sessions I always think of first. It might just be because I had had a particularly bad week and that therapy session helped me rationalise and lift me out of the slump, however it did make a huge impact on making small steps forwards. Which brings me here today - Wednesday the 18th April.

I am in a good place currently and although I know I will most likely have some low days I am trying my hardest to live in today as apposed to worrying about future me. I still have my big goals I am working towards but I also have lots of small daily goals. My therapy session went well yesterday, it was a good catch up as I had not seen her for a good few weeks (I cancelled a session as I was mentally unwell and unable to get myself to her). We discussed how I had been and it was nice and refreshingly positive. I had been using the Mindfulness technique we had discussed previously and focusing on the here and now. It has helped get me get myself into a pleasant morning routine. A cup of Tea and a breakfast bar to start the day and with the weather warming up getting outside and the use of the garden has made things easier.

I feel the void lifting, I am starting to see a purpose again, I'm enjoying life again and I am very grateful to my husband, family and friends who are helping me recover. Its all about taking those small steps to wellness.

I have very recently gotten myself into jogging. Its something that I  have never wanted or even thought of doing if i'm completely honest. Im not a very sporty girl, I am the average joe who smacks the alarm at 6.45am in the morning to stay in bed that extra hour (or 2) longer. I am not a morning person - far from it. 

Im pretty lucky in that I am a self employed graphic designer and I work from home, so I do not have to rush to commute to my job in the mornings. My typical days since loosing my job (the company moved to another location) & moving to London usually start with my husband kissing me goodbye as he went off to work and I  crawl out of bed at a certain part of the day to see what work needed finishing. On good days I am sat at my work desk by 10am and tackling my design jobs, replying to emails and contacting clients about future projects.

However as I have found freelancing can also be lonely, team that with anxiety and depression and you get bad days. When I have no work on or even when I have very low mood days I can actually struggle to get myself up before 1pm. This does have a big impact on my work and can cause more self loathing and upset. Depression makes me not want to do anything and it results in me sleeping my days away - literally.

I was continually going in these vicious cycles.  
I have lived in London for 2 years now, for me the first year was the biggest challenge. It was a roller coaster of emotion pretty much for a solid year. I have always had anxiety so moving to London was a huge challenge and the anxiety rocketed and hit me hard. New places, new faces, trying to get use to a big city and tackle a job. It made me really Ill. 

With the help of CBT I am slowly on the mend. This second year has been less challenging and although it has not been as hard or daunting - Im getting very use to London now, however I do still struggle with bad & low days and Im getting tired of being on this rollercoaster. So as I was saying in this previous blog post - its time to break the bad habits. In order to overcome anxiety and depression, you have to do.

Thats where the jogging comes in. My husband is fairly active, he loves his job and he also cycles to work up to 4 times a week. A huge 50 minute bike ride from our tiny house in Hither green all the way to shoreditch. He is also the genius behind me jogging. He suggesting one day I come jogging with him in the mornings. At first I laughed it off, no way was I getting up at 7am to go jogging! But more recently when another wave of depression hit it came hard and I couldn't keep doing this to myself. Thats when I decided I needed to make changes for me and my husband.

It works and it makes your feel great. 

Its really hard work! Im only managing a mile at the moment which is around 10 minutes and i won't lie it hasn't been consistent each morning. Yesterday I just could not find the will to get out of bed - my biggest challenge. Today I managed to get myself to go, however I then got back into bed and fell asleep for another 3 hours. I lost the feel good feeling and just felt bad for the rest of the day. So learning from this my aim for the rest of this week is too get up and go and not allow myself to climb back into bed! Small steps everyday.