Im still here, I had forgotten about this blog. My last post was spring 2016! Like a lot of projects that I start they often get forgotten about and never finished. A huge amount has happened since that last blog post.

We stayed in that lovely house with our house mates only 10 months! By August we had moved to another 1 bed flat with a garden a few roads over. It was a stressful time and as usual I thought it would be the final move for a while.

My life continued to get a bit lighter for a while, my freelancing was going well and I had some well paying projects up until November which helped me pay for christmas that year. However December was a dark place and with no freelance work on I started to slip into old habits again. Breaking point finally came as it has done for the past 4 years living with depression. This time it was pretty serious and I ended up being admitted into a daycare hospital for mental health.

I was there for around 6 weeks, but it was not until the final 2 weeks that I finally settled in and found it was helping me - a bit.

Structure & Routine - I find I thrive off it, we all do. I was getting in for 10am, leaving at 4pm. During that day period we had structured groups, we sat in some lessons and also learnt about mental health and depression and how to guide ourselves back onto the right track. Lunch was always at 12.30, the staff became familiar but my time there was coming to an end.

I was worried about being discharged, I was worried that I would relapse and I did but that came later - 6 months later.

I can't quite remember where time has gone from being discharged in March. Its a bit of a blur, things happened and Im sure I had good days. We were starting to settle in the new flat and neither myself or Andy wanted to move again for a good 2 years. It didn't last long, we received our end of tenancy letter in May because the landlords were selling up. The next 3 months were fairly stressful, it put us in a awkward position. Come July I ended up taking a week away from Andy and going back to my family as it had all become too much for both of us. It was a hard 5 days apart, anxiety ate away at me and we made a pact to get more help as my mental health was taking its toll on the both of us.

Reunited we bought a beautiful flat together with a private garden. Continuing our journey together.
This took up a few months of my time and before we knew it we were in our new place! and it was time for a well deserved holiday. We went to the lake district in September, its such a lovely place. I love the fresh air and the walking trips we do. Its a completely different lifestyle and pace than London. The food and company was fantastic and the week ended too quickly like most holidays do.

It was also a burden, I was out of routine and in a different mindset when I returned home. I thought the low come down after the holiday would pass. However it just seemed to worsen and I started to lapse.

Picking up on this and realising my shift in mood, and old patterns returning. I knew I needed to act on it because I couldn't bare to keep living like this. I got myself a desk at andy's work 3x a week so I could focus on freelancing and being around people. Its been hard work, my depression stems from a life long anxiety disorder which is provoked around people I don't know, new places, new situations.

I got through 2 weeks of this and it is Helping. However its also very hard and come Thursday 2nd Nov I had a crash at his work. I was pretty distraught, I had put a lot of pressure on making this work and my head was telling me how it had failed. A viscous cycle of thoughts of not being good enough, a waste of space, a burden on Andy. I went home that evening a bit earlier on my own and when I got home I closed the door and broke down.

My head was in a very dark place that day and It was the day I decided I'd had enough and could not go on any longer. A text message saved my dark thoughts, just enough to stop me and make me think about what I was thinking of ending - my life. Andy left work early that day and we took the appropriate steps to seek help privately and found a qualified therapist.

Which pretty much brings me up to date, here - the 24th March 2018! Still battling anxiety and depression however I am still here.